Redefining Vanilla: Rekindling Desire, Safety, and Pleasure in Midlife

Oct 22

On the Women Mastering Midlife podcast, we begin our Sexual Wellness Series with returning guest Shauna Stewart, a Certified Sexuality Educator, Intimacy Coach, and host of the Life Turned On podcast.

Shauna’s work centers on helping women rediscover pleasure, rest, and self-connection—reminding us that intimacy is not a luxury, but a vital part of overall well-being.

This episode explores how midlife women can cultivate more meaningful, fulfilling sexual experiences through safety, presence, and curiosity—and why “vanilla” might deserve a second look.

Rethinking “Vanilla”

“Vanilla” has long been unfairly labeled as boring or unimaginative.
As Shauna explains, the problem isn’t the type of sex—it’s the lack of intention and connection behind it. When intimacy becomes another task on the to-do list, desire naturally diminishes.

By approaching even the simplest experiences with mindfulness and curiosity, we open the door to deeper satisfaction.

“If we’re not having sex worth having, we’re not going to want it.” – Shauna Stewart

From slow, sensual touch to new ways of giving and receiving, intimacy in midlife can evolve into something richer and more emotionally connected when we bring presence and intention into the experience.

Safety: The Foundation of Desire

One of Shauna’s central themes is that safety—both physical and emotional—is essential for intimacy.
When women feel safe, they can relax, surrender, and fully inhabit their bodies. Safety allows pleasure to unfold naturally.

Creating that environment often means:

Prioritizing open communication about needs and boundaries
Cultivating environments that feel calm and free of pressure
Approaching intimacy with curiosity instead of expectation

Safety is not simply the absence of harm; it’s the active creation of a space where trust and connection can thrive. When safety is present, women are far more likely to experience authentic desire and deeper pleasure.

From Obligation to Curiosity

Many midlife women describe sex as one more responsibility in an already full schedule. Shauna encourages shifting from obligation to curiosity.

She introduces a simple framework she calls “No, but…”—a way to honor your boundaries while staying connected:

“No, I’m not in the mood for sex tonight, but I’d love to cuddle.”
“No, but maybe after a warm bath.”
“No, but let’s try again tomorrow.”

This approach replaces rejection with collaboration, creating space for connection without guilt or pressure. For many couples, this communication style strengthens emotional intimacy and keeps desire alive.

The Role of Novelty and Presence

Research shows that women often experience a decline in desire within long-term relationships—not because of hormones alone, but because of routine.
Novelty doesn’t have to mean extremes; it simply means variety, playfulness, and engagement. Experimenting with new sensations, timing, or roles can reignite energy in a way that feels exciting yet safe.

Shauna reminds us that pleasure thrives in the same conditions as creativity—when we’re rested, curious, and emotionally present.

Pleasure Beyond the Bedroom

True pleasure begins outside of the bedroom.
Learning to savor life’s everyday moments—a hot shower, the morning sun, the first sip of coffee—helps women reconnect with their senses and reduce the constant state of “doing.” These moments train the nervous system to feel safe, receptive, and alive.

As Shauna puts it, “The opposite of repression is expression.”
Reclaiming pleasure is not about indulgence—it’s about wholeness.

Rest as a Prerequisite for Pleasure

Shauna also shares insights from her Receive retreat in Tuscany, where women learned to rest, slow down, and receive without guilt.
For many, simply having permission to rest was transformational. Once they experienced true relaxation, pleasure and connection followed naturally.

Rest and pleasure are deeply intertwined. When women are chronically overextended, intimacy becomes another demand. When they are rested, they are open, responsive, and present.

A Practical Starting Point

You don’t need a retreat in Italy to begin.
Shauna encourages women to start small—what she calls the “1% shift.”
Add one moment of awareness, one deep breath, one act of rest, or one expression of curiosity. Small, consistent steps can change the trajectory of how we connect—with ourselves and with others.

Listen to the Full Episode

🎧 Episode: Redefining Vanilla: How Midlife Women Can Rekindle Desire, Safety, and Pleasure
Host: Victoria Byrd, RPh, Integrative Women’s Health Coach
Guest: Shauna Stewart, Certified Sexuality Educator & Intimacy Coach

Listen on Apple Podcasts | Listen on Spotify